I sympathize. I returned to the Church in my mid-30s after leaving in my late teens. The Church I came back to was gone. And it took me years to find people who believed the teachings that I had learned as a child. And then the shock was finding coldness and social exclusions even among the "doctinally sound." I wasn't excluded because I took the wrong side in some community dispute. I was excluded because human beings, even most people who call themselves Catholic, are mean and don't reach out to people outside of their comfort circle. But they are not the Church. And I'm in it because Jesus is.
I'm so sorry you have gone through that! I can relate to the sense of otherness as well. There are several new families joining our parish right now, and I'm hoping we can be an active part of making sure that people feel welcome and included.
I appreciate reading this! I’m not Catholic, but the portrayals can be rosy (especially from converts) and I think the question I find myself grappling with recently is, if all these churches — every single one (because it is every single one, I’m just more familiar with the evangelical flavor of dysfunction) — are going to have broken people screwing things up and hurting people, then where is there enough truth, goodness and beauty that when those storms come, there will still be something left to build on? I think that’s the fundamental question — not which church can do it perfectly, but what has roots deep enough to survive.
I’m sorry for your experience, and yet it seems that so many of us attend church, but because we haven’t been hurt, but because we can only say, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life”
Yes I was definitely one of those very optimistic converts! I still love my faith, but for the first several years I was so thrilled that I found something that I could sink into enough that I didn't become agnostic, that I was caught very off guard when the hurt happened from within my beloved church home. Great point too- about a place that has enough truth, goodness, and beauty to survive the ugliness...that's been a comfort to me in my practice and something I continue to cling onto. I appreciate you reading, and I'm thankful for your insights!
I'm a survivor of assault by a priest I considered my spiritual director in college, and was mistreated by a Catholic campus minister I had also trusted. Yes, don't leave Jesus because of Judas, but when someone you thought was representing Jesus turns out to be a Judas, it hurts.
A lot of this resonated. It's really hard to realize that the Church, in her people, is often not a safe place to be. I have children. I struggle to understand how I'm going to pass on both a love of the Church in her Sacraments and teaching while also passing on an appropriately cautious attitude about her people, including her priests and ministers.
I am so sorry that you have experienced such pain and betrayal.
I've been thinking a lot about if my rose colored glasses were the result of the fact that my joining the Catholic Church was what allowed me to remain a Christian vs. becoming agnostic. I was so thirsty for truth that all the good shone so brightly it was all I saw. And then seven years went by before I had to reckon with trauma from within. Which also leads to thinking about how to raise our kids to love the faith while also being wise regarding the sinful people inside it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for reading my post. Sending prayers and hopes that you have a blessed Easter weekend.
Thank you for sharing and I empathise with everything you say. I am close to confirmation and communion in the RC church after nearly 40 years as a Protestant, and I am excited about this major step. What you say is a helpful reminder that there is a honeymoon period, and that one day I will probably be hurt, disappointed, possibly betrayed even. I wear some scars from past experiences and I have also been harsh and judgemental to others in the church at times. I pray God gives me grace to love those who hurt me, and that I would remain focused on Jesus. The last thing I want to be is cynical and negative. Been there don't want top go back.
Those are such good prayers to pray, especially before hurt happens! I've been thinking a lot this weekend, with Corpus Christi and the national Eucharistic processions, what a comfort the Eucharist is as the source and summit of this faith. We humans can be poor reflections of our creator sometimes, but the truth and beauty and goodness here is worth sticking around for.
My heart aches for you! But I am heartened because it sounds like you are learning those necessary disciple-making lessons. I'm an older man who has experienced in the Church so much more than I can say. From the changes of the 60s, to the rise & fall of the charismatic movement, losing jobs & friends because of Catholic authority figures, turning to tradition which, of course, has its flawed people as well. But Christ, especially in the Blessed Sacrament, has been with me through it all, and has showered grace through some pretty big suffering. It is THE Joy of life to pick up that blessed Cross and follow in His Sacred Steps. I pray confidently for you and yours, that you will persevere and bring many with you, Deo volentes.....
This was a truly meaningful read. I like the both/and, ugly/beautiful intuition. Thank you. Given me much to think about, how I've severed myself from community to protect myself from the ugly; and how I've been the ugly and likely caused others to withdraw, or worse, leave or maybe even reject Christ because of me. Very humbling. What a mess we live in. May God give me...all of us...the grace to be humble, faithful, kind, generous and loving. Lord put a guard on my mouth and open my heart.
Thank you for sharing your experience. In your terms, my husband and I have been through Good Fridays for years with the Body of Christ. I just never had that language to express it before.
Also, thank you for being honest about having judged people before experiencing the ugliness yourself. I hope more people will be able to hear the honesty of yourself and others in your position. The God I love and believe in doesn't expect people to put themselves in a place where they'd have a panic attack if they stepped foot inside. Healing and transformation is possible in many places; grace is superabundant. I hope for the table at the Lamb's Supper to be absolutely filled with people who were hurt by the Church here on earth!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your heart! I'm so sorry you've experienced pain too. The response to this article has let me know that this is something we could do with being more open about with each other. It is so often an isolating experience.
I am so sorry you went through all that. The very first church I attended broke apart into two separate congregations shortly after I began attending and it was ugly. It's hard to see Christians behave in those ways.
Thank you for being willing to share such a painful and personal experience. I will say some prayers for you family and community. I found a lot of wisdom and comfort in this, as in my adult life as a Catholic (in this past year in particular) I’ve been struggling a lot with the ugly inside the church in a way I haven’t before. The both/and but was especially moving-it’s one of the things I’ve always loved most about our Catholic faith as well, so that was a helpful lens with which to approach the issue. God bless you and thank you!
Thank you for reading it! Prayers are so appreciated. I'm so sorry that any of us experience pain from the ugly side of the church, but it is also a comfort to not be alone in those struggles. The both/and thing is something that I have very recently begun to apply to this situation and I'm glad that lens was helpful to you too! I hope you and yours have a blessed Easter weekend!
Of course! And amen. I think too it’s something that hits harder as parents-as you experienced in such a personal way. When you have kids, hearing about all the scandal/abuses and/or having fracturing in the community as you had hits a lot differently than when you’re a single, or even married without kids, adult. But as you said, knowing it’s not just me, and being reminded that the beautiful side does in fact exist is so hopeful/offers that Easter Resurrection. It reminds me of another GK Chesterton but about the news-how it’s always slanted because it (necessarily) always covers and thrives on the exceptions/the evils. As always, focusing on only one side of both/ands can be a dangerous and unhealthy thing. May you have a blessed Easter as well!
This is such a beautiful article Lorelei. Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm so sorry your family went through such a difficult season.
I'm sure, along with me, many people can relate to facing pain and disappointments stemming from someone in the church. I love how you pointed out the "both/and" truths of our faith. And how you didn't want that to apply to your painful experiences.
It made me think about how we can know both ugliness and beauty, pain and healing, hurt and forgiveness, disappointment and hope. I hope, for the many of us who have experienced this kind of discomfort and pain, we can use it to demonstrate God's graces working through us. We can know the true power comes in forgiveness and not carrying the poison of someone else's pain compounded in our own hearts.
Thanks for letting others know they're not alone in these experiences and for sharing your compassion for those who leave the church because of pain.
Even with hearts of compassion I think we'd both agree that running away from the church won't solve these kinds of issues. Only running into the arms of the Lord and allowing Him to help us shine our brightest, even in the face of difficulties. He can use them to transform us into even more beautiful versions of ourselves so we can more effectively help others in His name.
Thank you again for so candidly sharing your heart and experiences as you continue to grow in faith. You have been, and will continue to be, in my prayers.
I definitely didn't want to apply the both/and to this! And when that hit me over the past couple of days I've just been like "oh." and then "of course."
Forgiveness is such an important piece too! Thank you for reading it :)
I’ve gone through a church meltdown that broke my heart. I walked away from church and God. In time He called me back. He healed. Lina Abujamra is a writer here on Substack. She has a book Fractured Faith that is a beautiful story of healing after a major church hurt,
I too an a convert and had my “rose colored glasses” torn away. We believed we were being supportive of our priest, this brought us into conflict with many of the old members of the parish. This dispute culminated in persons asking if we could be kicked out of the parish. We changed parishes.
This resonates deeply with my story. I am a Catholic revert....I left my beloved Church when our new Priest refused to marry us saying we were too young. We ended up, through the insistence of my stubborn grandmother, getting out Sacramental marriage, but it broke us. We came back to the Church 10 years later, bringing our daughter to a different Catholic school and Church. I was broken and found refuge and healing, but was severally hurt again when our daughter's supposedly Catholic teacher ran a horrifying "social experiment" with her second grade class. When confronted, the teacher and principal lied and made horrible accusations. Our "friends" stood by us as a group of upset parents until we were singled out as the 'problem' and I tried holding people accountable. Everyone including our Priest turned against us, calling our daughter a liar and the Archdiocese abandoned us. The pain was nearly unbearable....BUT GOD!
We found our way back in a new and beautiful way, now pursuing a deeper understanding of Traditional Catholic existence and we are thriving. God surely meets us in those trials and offers us an opportunity to partake in His suffering. The Truth is worth fighting for!
I'm so sorry you experienced that exclusion. I don't know if this would have applied to your situation, but I've also been thinking a lot lately about the idea of accompaniment, and how we can better walk along side people even when we're not coming to the same conclusions on matters, or when a person is wrestling through or struggling with something. So often I'm seeing people just opt out of relationships when things like that come up, and I think we could do so much better.
I sympathize. I returned to the Church in my mid-30s after leaving in my late teens. The Church I came back to was gone. And it took me years to find people who believed the teachings that I had learned as a child. And then the shock was finding coldness and social exclusions even among the "doctinally sound." I wasn't excluded because I took the wrong side in some community dispute. I was excluded because human beings, even most people who call themselves Catholic, are mean and don't reach out to people outside of their comfort circle. But they are not the Church. And I'm in it because Jesus is.
I'm so sorry you have gone through that! I can relate to the sense of otherness as well. There are several new families joining our parish right now, and I'm hoping we can be an active part of making sure that people feel welcome and included.
I appreciate reading this! I’m not Catholic, but the portrayals can be rosy (especially from converts) and I think the question I find myself grappling with recently is, if all these churches — every single one (because it is every single one, I’m just more familiar with the evangelical flavor of dysfunction) — are going to have broken people screwing things up and hurting people, then where is there enough truth, goodness and beauty that when those storms come, there will still be something left to build on? I think that’s the fundamental question — not which church can do it perfectly, but what has roots deep enough to survive.
I’m sorry for your experience, and yet it seems that so many of us attend church, but because we haven’t been hurt, but because we can only say, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life”
There’s no other place to go.
Yes I was definitely one of those very optimistic converts! I still love my faith, but for the first several years I was so thrilled that I found something that I could sink into enough that I didn't become agnostic, that I was caught very off guard when the hurt happened from within my beloved church home. Great point too- about a place that has enough truth, goodness, and beauty to survive the ugliness...that's been a comfort to me in my practice and something I continue to cling onto. I appreciate you reading, and I'm thankful for your insights!
Loved this read so much! Thank you!
Thank you for reading- and Happy Easter!
I'm a survivor of assault by a priest I considered my spiritual director in college, and was mistreated by a Catholic campus minister I had also trusted. Yes, don't leave Jesus because of Judas, but when someone you thought was representing Jesus turns out to be a Judas, it hurts.
A lot of this resonated. It's really hard to realize that the Church, in her people, is often not a safe place to be. I have children. I struggle to understand how I'm going to pass on both a love of the Church in her Sacraments and teaching while also passing on an appropriately cautious attitude about her people, including her priests and ministers.
I am so sorry that you have experienced such pain and betrayal.
I've been thinking a lot about if my rose colored glasses were the result of the fact that my joining the Catholic Church was what allowed me to remain a Christian vs. becoming agnostic. I was so thirsty for truth that all the good shone so brightly it was all I saw. And then seven years went by before I had to reckon with trauma from within. Which also leads to thinking about how to raise our kids to love the faith while also being wise regarding the sinful people inside it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for reading my post. Sending prayers and hopes that you have a blessed Easter weekend.
The truth is definitely worth sticking around for. ❤️
A very real snapshot of the ugliness that exists inside the church. It is very worthy of wrestling with. Thank you for putting these words on paper.
Thank you for reading-Worthy of wrestling with indeed!
Thank you for sharing and I empathise with everything you say. I am close to confirmation and communion in the RC church after nearly 40 years as a Protestant, and I am excited about this major step. What you say is a helpful reminder that there is a honeymoon period, and that one day I will probably be hurt, disappointed, possibly betrayed even. I wear some scars from past experiences and I have also been harsh and judgemental to others in the church at times. I pray God gives me grace to love those who hurt me, and that I would remain focused on Jesus. The last thing I want to be is cynical and negative. Been there don't want top go back.
Those are such good prayers to pray, especially before hurt happens! I've been thinking a lot this weekend, with Corpus Christi and the national Eucharistic processions, what a comfort the Eucharist is as the source and summit of this faith. We humans can be poor reflections of our creator sometimes, but the truth and beauty and goodness here is worth sticking around for.
My heart aches for you! But I am heartened because it sounds like you are learning those necessary disciple-making lessons. I'm an older man who has experienced in the Church so much more than I can say. From the changes of the 60s, to the rise & fall of the charismatic movement, losing jobs & friends because of Catholic authority figures, turning to tradition which, of course, has its flawed people as well. But Christ, especially in the Blessed Sacrament, has been with me through it all, and has showered grace through some pretty big suffering. It is THE Joy of life to pick up that blessed Cross and follow in His Sacred Steps. I pray confidently for you and yours, that you will persevere and bring many with you, Deo volentes.....
This was a truly meaningful read. I like the both/and, ugly/beautiful intuition. Thank you. Given me much to think about, how I've severed myself from community to protect myself from the ugly; and how I've been the ugly and likely caused others to withdraw, or worse, leave or maybe even reject Christ because of me. Very humbling. What a mess we live in. May God give me...all of us...the grace to be humble, faithful, kind, generous and loving. Lord put a guard on my mouth and open my heart.
Thank you for sharing your experience. In your terms, my husband and I have been through Good Fridays for years with the Body of Christ. I just never had that language to express it before.
Also, thank you for being honest about having judged people before experiencing the ugliness yourself. I hope more people will be able to hear the honesty of yourself and others in your position. The God I love and believe in doesn't expect people to put themselves in a place where they'd have a panic attack if they stepped foot inside. Healing and transformation is possible in many places; grace is superabundant. I hope for the table at the Lamb's Supper to be absolutely filled with people who were hurt by the Church here on earth!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your heart! I'm so sorry you've experienced pain too. The response to this article has let me know that this is something we could do with being more open about with each other. It is so often an isolating experience.
I am so sorry you went through all that. The very first church I attended broke apart into two separate congregations shortly after I began attending and it was ugly. It's hard to see Christians behave in those ways.
Oh my goodness I'm so sorry. It is so difficult.
Thank you for being willing to share such a painful and personal experience. I will say some prayers for you family and community. I found a lot of wisdom and comfort in this, as in my adult life as a Catholic (in this past year in particular) I’ve been struggling a lot with the ugly inside the church in a way I haven’t before. The both/and but was especially moving-it’s one of the things I’ve always loved most about our Catholic faith as well, so that was a helpful lens with which to approach the issue. God bless you and thank you!
Thank you for reading it! Prayers are so appreciated. I'm so sorry that any of us experience pain from the ugly side of the church, but it is also a comfort to not be alone in those struggles. The both/and thing is something that I have very recently begun to apply to this situation and I'm glad that lens was helpful to you too! I hope you and yours have a blessed Easter weekend!
Of course! And amen. I think too it’s something that hits harder as parents-as you experienced in such a personal way. When you have kids, hearing about all the scandal/abuses and/or having fracturing in the community as you had hits a lot differently than when you’re a single, or even married without kids, adult. But as you said, knowing it’s not just me, and being reminded that the beautiful side does in fact exist is so hopeful/offers that Easter Resurrection. It reminds me of another GK Chesterton but about the news-how it’s always slanted because it (necessarily) always covers and thrives on the exceptions/the evils. As always, focusing on only one side of both/ands can be a dangerous and unhealthy thing. May you have a blessed Easter as well!
This is such a beautiful article Lorelei. Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm so sorry your family went through such a difficult season.
I'm sure, along with me, many people can relate to facing pain and disappointments stemming from someone in the church. I love how you pointed out the "both/and" truths of our faith. And how you didn't want that to apply to your painful experiences.
It made me think about how we can know both ugliness and beauty, pain and healing, hurt and forgiveness, disappointment and hope. I hope, for the many of us who have experienced this kind of discomfort and pain, we can use it to demonstrate God's graces working through us. We can know the true power comes in forgiveness and not carrying the poison of someone else's pain compounded in our own hearts.
Thanks for letting others know they're not alone in these experiences and for sharing your compassion for those who leave the church because of pain.
Even with hearts of compassion I think we'd both agree that running away from the church won't solve these kinds of issues. Only running into the arms of the Lord and allowing Him to help us shine our brightest, even in the face of difficulties. He can use them to transform us into even more beautiful versions of ourselves so we can more effectively help others in His name.
Thank you again for so candidly sharing your heart and experiences as you continue to grow in faith. You have been, and will continue to be, in my prayers.
I definitely didn't want to apply the both/and to this! And when that hit me over the past couple of days I've just been like "oh." and then "of course."
Forgiveness is such an important piece too! Thank you for reading it :)
I’ve gone through a church meltdown that broke my heart. I walked away from church and God. In time He called me back. He healed. Lina Abujamra is a writer here on Substack. She has a book Fractured Faith that is a beautiful story of healing after a major church hurt,
I too an a convert and had my “rose colored glasses” torn away. We believed we were being supportive of our priest, this brought us into conflict with many of the old members of the parish. This dispute culminated in persons asking if we could be kicked out of the parish. We changed parishes.
Oh I am so sorry that you lived through that. I hope you've found a healthier parish situation now.
This resonates deeply with my story. I am a Catholic revert....I left my beloved Church when our new Priest refused to marry us saying we were too young. We ended up, through the insistence of my stubborn grandmother, getting out Sacramental marriage, but it broke us. We came back to the Church 10 years later, bringing our daughter to a different Catholic school and Church. I was broken and found refuge and healing, but was severally hurt again when our daughter's supposedly Catholic teacher ran a horrifying "social experiment" with her second grade class. When confronted, the teacher and principal lied and made horrible accusations. Our "friends" stood by us as a group of upset parents until we were singled out as the 'problem' and I tried holding people accountable. Everyone including our Priest turned against us, calling our daughter a liar and the Archdiocese abandoned us. The pain was nearly unbearable....BUT GOD!
We found our way back in a new and beautiful way, now pursuing a deeper understanding of Traditional Catholic existence and we are thriving. God surely meets us in those trials and offers us an opportunity to partake in His suffering. The Truth is worth fighting for!
I'm so sorry you experienced that exclusion. I don't know if this would have applied to your situation, but I've also been thinking a lot lately about the idea of accompaniment, and how we can better walk along side people even when we're not coming to the same conclusions on matters, or when a person is wrestling through or struggling with something. So often I'm seeing people just opt out of relationships when things like that come up, and I think we could do so much better.